Mental health. What is mental health? For me, it’s the ups and downs, the dark thoughts, the fear of what lurks in the depths, but wanting to take a look regardless. Ups and downs are sometimes colossal waves, so big you can’t see the horizon, tossed around like an insignificant piece of matter, dragged under, then fight your way to the surface for that gasp of air. When do you surrender to darkness? When do you allow yourself to be taken to the depths? Is this where I finally find peace. And then, at that moment, the sea spits you out, discarded like a half-chewed seed from an orange. You feel life flooding back into your veins, but for how long.
The darkness comes and goes, sometimes fleeting and other times it stays. I can feel myself slide, the pressure pushing down on me with crushing force, it’s unbearable, I just want it to stop. After a while I become numb, no feelings, no emotions, a barrier to protect myself. In doing so I push everyone away, it’s better for them to go, because what if this crushing blackness is infectious, no one deserves to catch it. Then, after some time passes, the clouds part, I can see the blue sky again. The Icey blood through my veins starts to warm again. There is a way out, it may take some time but I can see it now, the light, the warmth and the love of others.
For years I’ve suffered from mental health issues, I was on tablets for a long time and it affected everything in my life. And, through hard work and perseverance you can fight your way out. However, you cannot do this alone. If you are struggling, I am with you, I know your pain. Reach out to me, reach out to anyone who will listen, help is out there.
